Posted on this Website in Aug, 2006
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Los Angeles API PFLAG Project

Please note that although general comments are made regarding Asian - Pacific Islander cultures, cultural differences make it impossible to make statements applicable to all Asian - Pacific Islander cultures.

Are you an Asian Pacific Islander gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender who is planning to come out, or have you thought about coming out? If so, we hope that you would first consider certain factors before taking this important step in your life.

We hope to furnish information intended to make the opening of the closet door an easier experience. Even if you don't plan to come out, consideration of these factors should reduce the fear of being 'outed', and should prepare you mentally should you be accidentally 'outed'.

This paper covers the following topics:

Why do you want to come out now?
Is coming out your own decision?
Are you sure about your sexual orientation?
Are you comfortable with your gay sexuality?
Are you knowledgeable about homosexuality?
Do you have a support system?
Do you have resource material available?
Are you financially dependent on your parents?
Is this an appropriate time at home?
What is your relationship with your parents?
Do your parents have a black and white view of society's morals?
Be aware of other options to coming out.
What method could you use to come out?
Where might you choose to come out?
Once you're out, what next?
How to deal with the extended family.
How to deal with the silence that often follows.
What else could your parents do?

Questions to Consider Before Coming Out

Why do you want to come out now?

Why should you come out? Coming out is a very important personal decision. You should not let your peer group or others pressure you into coming out. Many people feel that reaching the highest level of fulfillment as an adult is aided by coming to terms with your parents and being open to them. However, there may be situations where it is not possible or not advisable to come out.

Most people choose to come out because they are uncomfortable with the distance or the barriers they may have placed between them and their parents. They might miss the feelings of love and support that comes with the sharing of their personal lives. Some feel that after gaining financial independence and increased age, making up stories about their friends and social life becomes too uncomfortable, i.e., having to live a lie.

Perhaps you are in a situation where you are under intense pressure and have entertained suicidal thoughts. You should contact a gay and lesbian center for referral to a counselor. If no local resource is available, contact the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center via email, as well as PFLAG and API-PFLAG resources: www.laglc.org, www.pflagLA.org, www.pflag.gapsn.org, respectively.

Is coming out your own decision?

Only you can decide whether you come out or not, and when the right time might be. Don't let your peers pressure you into it. Not everyone should come out to their parents. Weigh the pros and cons of coming out. Be sure that you will be better off by coming out - even if your parents are not supportive.

Are you sure about your sexual orientation?

Surprised parents will often respond to you with the question "Are you sure?" If you are still sorting out your feelings, your parents might feel that they need to help to "set you straight"!

Are you comfortable with your gay sexuality?

If you are not comfortable with your gay sexuality, you will have a more difficult time coming out to your parents. You will also have more difficulty dealing with them once you're out. A positive self-image of your gayness will allow you to come out from a position of strength. It will help them to accept the fact that you are an adult, and that you are an individual who doesn't need the protection and nurturing that a child needs. Being comfortable with your sexuality will help you to be in control of the situation when coming out. Any feelings of guilt, shame, or depression, should be dealt with before coming out to your parents.

Are you knowledgeable about homosexuality?

Your parents knowledge of homosexuality might be limited to gay stereotypes and information gathered from a homophobic society. Parents will naturally feel some guilt that their style of upbringing may have caused homosexuality. You could have data from the study of twins to show the genetic component of sexual orientation. You could have copies of reprints from the American Psychological Society on Sexual Orientation, PFLAG and the Human Rights Commission. The HRC Resource Guide for Coming Out is also helpful.

Gays who attend PFLAG meetings say that the rap groups are an excellent way to better understand their parent's viewpoints and how they might react.

Do you have a support system?

Should your parents react in a disappointing manner, you should have a friend or a group that you can turn to for emotional support and strength. They will help you maintaining your sense of self-worth. PFLAG can serve as part of your support group by phone, email, or in person.

Do you have resource material available?

When coming out, it would be helpful to have a few pieces of resource material available. Even if the response is negative, reading material provides the opportunity for them to learn more about sexual orientation after they have gotten over the shock and/or anger. For English-speaking parents, a copy of the book Beyond Acceptance or Now That You Know should be helpful. Having API videotapes and pamphlets for non-English parents is important. Having the phone numbers of PFLAG resources and the name of a non-gay counselor or supportive clergy is recommended.

Are you financially dependent on your parents?

If you suspect that they might withdraw college finances or force you out of the house, you should choose to wait until you are financially independent. Note that it might be dangerous to come out to your parents if they have told gay-bashing jokes and made negative comments about gays, or if they hold very deep, fundamentalist religious beliefs. For those parents who tell gay-bashing jokes, you could test the waters by asking general questions about topical events or celebrities regarding homosexuality.

Los Angeles Asian-Pacific Islander PFLAG Project www.pflag.gapsn.org, api-pflag@gapsn.org.

Is this an appropriate time at home?

If you have the choice of when to tell them, choose a time when no disrupting events are occurring at home, such as deaths in the family, illnesses, job layoffs, etc. Avoid parent's birthdays, holiday dinners, etc. You might also schedule the timing a week or two before the next PFLAG meeting. They might be receptive to the idea of attending a PFLAG meeting when they have recovered from the shock.

What is your relationship with your parents?

In some API cultures, parent's love is never expressed openly, but rather only by their silent approval of your achievements. Hopefully, you are considering coming out to your parents because you care about them and would like to have a more honest relationship.

If there is family discord present, you will have to determine how best to keep focus on the issues while coming out.

Do your parents have a black and white view of society's morals?

Do your parents tend to see social issues in black and white terms of good/bad or holy/sinful? Are they members of a fundamentalist or evangelical religion? If so, they are likely to have serious problems dealing with your sexuality. Their attitudes and reactions to complex social issues may give clues to their flexibility regarding a changing society.

The many different ways to interpret the Bible has created many different denominations and thousands of "independent" or non-affiliated churches. The number of Christian churches that have declared themselves to be "Open and Affirming to Gays and Lesbians" or "Reconciling Congregations" (UCC and Methodists, e.g.) increase every year.

PFLAG has a booklet on religious issues that list all of the supporting organizations for the major religions in the world, as well as organizations for various religious denominations.

Be aware of other options to coming out.

One older gay man described his situation with his elder parents in New York City's Chinatown as being a "don't ask, don't tell" relationship. He feels that his parents know that he is gay. He and his partner sleep together in the guest room whenever they go to NY to visit. His parents, however, have never asked if he is gay, and he does not wish to tell them. He believes that if he came out, his parents will not be able to show their faces to their friends or appear at the Chinese Association functions. Should you decide not to come out, LGBTs report that a strong support group serves a vital function in their lives.

Hopefully, the above list of items will create additional questions for you to work through. As Socrates advised, "Know thyself." PFLAG stands by as a resource for your questions.

What method could be used to come out?

At the PFLAG rap groups, we have heard many coming out stories from LGBTs. Some told of coming out at the Thanksgiving dinner table, or on a mother's birthday. Others have come out just before getting onto a train or a plane. Because of the great fear involved in coming out, it's not surprising that such instances do occur.

Ideally, you would come off as a knowledgeable person trying to educate them in a strange new subject. Your coming out from a position of strength should be accepted better by your parents compared to if you came out in fear, trembling and apologetic. In the latter situation, they might feel that their duty as parents is to get help for you immediately. (Note: for some API cultures, having a son/daughter "teach" their parents might not normally be appropriate. Education should be done in a culturally-sensitive manner.)

Many LGBT find it easier to come out to siblings first. They can serve as foundations of your support group. Supportive friends can help you rehearse your coming out dialogue. Practice your chosen words until they come out easily and confidently. Role Playing: Assume the role of your parent, while your friend plays you. Go through several possibilities of what dialogue could take place. Then, while your friend plays the role of your parent, you can play yourself.

Prior to coming out, an important step you can take is to write down a summary of your struggle with your orientation. Mention the pain of your journey (if applicable) and detail your realization of your sexual orientation, the fear of being 'outed' in school, the desire to change, the loneliness, the self-hate, etc., as applicable. The process of writing your story in letter form will help you clarify your thoughts and will help you find the words to use when coming out.

When you come out, hand them your letter. If they go into a state of shock, they might not remember any of your words after they hear the words "I am gay". With the letter, they will be able to read and develop a better understanding of your sexuality when their minds are in a more receptive state.

If your parents are out-of-state, you can mail the letter first, then follow-up with a phone call. Before coming out, introductory words are recommended to help your parents get into a receptive and open frame of mind. One person opened up with "Mom/Dad, you always raised us to be honest. I would like to tell you about an important part of my life which I have not been able to share with you until now..."

A lengthier approach might be: "A parent once told me that his greatest wish for his kids was not wealth, but that they acquire the ability to cope with the ups and downs that are a normal part of life. Your love and acceptance of me as a person will give me the foundation I need to face the future. Mom/dad, you may or may not know, but I am not attracted to ____. I am attracted to ___.

In some API cultures, the word "gay" might not be easily translatable for immigrant parents. Additionally, some homophobic parents might have negative imagery or negative connotations associated with the word "gay". Using the words "I am not attracted to women, but to men. I am gay." might help them to view the situation on a more intellectual level.

Where might you choose to come out?

It is our hope for you that by being thoroughly prepared mentally and physically, you can chose the appropriate time and place to come out to your parents. Ideally, it would be at a place and time that will allow them to cope with the unexpected news, and for you to help them digest and understand the news at that time, and in the months to follow.

For API parents, a private place such as the home is probably the best location. A public location such as a restaurant might be bad. (Feelings of public shame might be felt by the API parents.) Privacy eases the shedding of tears and the ability to let out emotions. Some gays may wish to have supportive friends in attendance, but most Asian parents would prefer the privacy of the immediate

Once you're out, What Next?

Ideally, after coming out, your parents would be in a clear state of mind where they could hold a rational discussion. Their thoughts will naturally be on themselves and their relations with their family, friends and coworkers. Do not feel hurt if they do not focus on your painful journey as a gay or transgendered person. Once they have are over the shock, it is important for them to hear the struggles that you have gone through. This will help them realize that "it" was not a choice or due to them, and that you were simply born with the orientation that you have.

Tell them about PFLAG and their monthly meetings. Talking to another parent might take courage on their part at first, but face-to-face meetings with other parents offers comfort and healing beyond what is available in books and pamphlets.

They most likely will not know any gay persons or parents of gay persons. They might feel very isolated. Be prepared with pamphlets and books of the experiences of other parents. Reading the experiences of other parents will be comforting, and they will know that they are not alone in the world. Having the phone number of a supportive API parent will also be helpful. Having the API videotapes and resources will be helpful, as well as phone numbers of supportive clergy. The API parent may be available to meet with your parent should they wish. Do not push other people onto your parents, as they might suspect a conspiracy to brainwash them.

Ideally, at some point in time, you might find the opportunity to have an extended conversation on the topic i.e., an informal "Homosexuality 101" course. To get them to realize their lack of education on human sexuality and sexual orientation, you might ask them "gentle" questions, such as "dad, when did you know that you were straight?" That should set his mind thinking, as he would need to answer a number of questions prior to being able to answer it. Straight people have never had to think about that question. The need for everyone to love and be loved could be mentioned.

For parents that might be fundamentalist or evangelical Christians, Mel White's book, "Stranger at the Gate" is very convincing that sexual orientation is not a choice. You could ask religious parents, "If God created gays and straights, do you suppose that God expected straights and gays to learn to exist in harmony? Is such a world possible?"

Your parents may require a good deal of time to handle what might be regarded as being a major event in their family life. They will need your help or advice in dealing with the extended family, their friends, and even their coworkers. Adjusting and accepting your coming out may take from 6 months to 3 years, or longer. You had a whole lifetime to understand and accept your sexual orientation, and you should allow your parents time to adjust and be educated.

Dealing with the extended family:

Your parents are now faced with a big question: Who do we tell? It is their question to answer.

Be ready to offer help to your parents as to how to deal with the extended family. Their reaction might be to ask you to be quiet about "it". This is a natural reaction as they try to figure out how to cope with the reality of a topsy-turvy world. You should state to them if it is OK for them to 'out' you. You should also ask them if they were OK if you 'outed' yourself to the extended family. Often, they will ask you to keep quiet about the whole thing as they try to "'find a solution' to this whole thing". This is where their meeting other parents who have faced the same situation would be invaluable. If possible, escort them to a PFLAG meeting. They will appreciate your support.

As the saying goes, when the child comes out of the closet, the parents go in! Have patience as your parents struggle with the question of who to come out to. Have anecdotal 'success' stories of other API LGBTs and their parents available.

Be ready to answer the concerns of not having grandchildren. Mention the possibility of adoption and artificial insemination, even if you don't plan to have children at this point in time.

Grandparents, as a rule, are very accepting of their LGBT grandchildren.

When coming out to the extended family, you probably would want to come out to those that you suspect might be the most supportive. As mentioned, coming out to siblings first is quite common. The HRC Coming Out pamphlet suggests 'testing the waters' with friends and family to see how gay friendly they might be.

Are you comfortable with your parents 'outing' you to anyone that they meet? Do you feel that they need to consult with you first? LGBTs who have worked through their own internalized homophobia generally feel OK with their parents outing them.

How do I handle the silence that follows? My parents pretend as though I never came out at all!

The period after you coming out will be a difficult one for your parents. Even if they want to be supportive, it might be difficult for them to start a conversation on a topic they know little about. For some parents, their method of coping might be denial, and they will not want to think or talk about "it". You may need to help start the dialogue.

For conversational openers, you could ask if there were any questions on the resource material that you gave to them. You could raise questions on civil rights issues that might be in the news, or bring up the 'Ellen' show, or talk about common myths and stereotypes about gay people. You could talk about how the major corporations have now extended same-sex union benefits.

Their silence may also be due to their dilemma of determining how to deal with the extended family. Gentle questions might reveal this, and your patience with their coming out will be needed. PFLAG meetings are a good resource for them to vent their feelings and to get ideas from others. Contact api-pflag@gapsn.org for any questions that you might have, as well as for meeting schedules. Informal meetings with your parents could also be arranged. API PFLAG also marches with PFLAG and API groups in the West Hollywood Gay Pride parades.

Silence builds barriers. It will take hard work on your part to go the extra mile in breaking barriers. In time, your parents will be able to support you and become even closer to you!

What else can your parents do?

Eventually your parents might reach the point where they are very comfortable with you (and your partner, if there is one). At that time, they might wish to take an active part in any or all of the efforts by PFLAG in their 3 primary areas of focus: Support, Education, and Advocacy. Having a gay child provides them with a unique opportunity to make a difference in this world for their child.

Support: Parents are normally apprehensive in going public after their children come out. By attending PFLAG meetings, they can learn more about the issues you face and get a better understanding of your life. At PFLAG meetings, they can provide support to 'new' parents in rap groups by listening, comforting and offering advice. LGBT people in rap groups are likewise helpful by providing information to new and old parents by sharing their experiences. Even after many years in PFLAG, parents still learn new insights and facts in rap groups.

Education: Parents who feel that they would like to provide support to children in school are able to volunteer to speak to children in their schools, churches, etc. This activity is very rewarding and the students will thank you graciously. Parents can choose where they speak and can request the levels of privacy and confidentiality that they are comfortable with.

Advocacy: After learning of the injustices that their children or other LGBTs are subjected to, some parents may feel moved enough to take a public stand. They can join the PFLAG groups marching in gay pride parades, or may wish to take a public stand on some gay rights social issue through the media.

At whatever level of activity your parents decide to adopt, their participation will change their life. Veteran PFLAG parents talk about how enriched their lives have become as a result of having a gay child. They also are grateful that they could help make life better for their LGBT child and his or her community.

Published information on sexual orientation has flourished in the past 10 years. You may wish to update your knowledge from "The Blue Book", published by the Mt. Kisko Presbyterian Church, www.pcmk.org. It is available as a free download, or can be purchased for $3. The Blue Book provides detailed information on the subject of gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered persons. Questions and answers are categorized into scientific, social, family life, and theological perspectives. It also includes a detailed list of references.